“Sigh No More”

Perfect nightmare. Yes, it’s playing-play count 1 for today. 2 is soon to follow.

No Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. I can’t believe I spent time picking out my outfit, fussing over my hair-do, and rechecked myself in the mirror a thousand times just for you! This ball of excitement grows inside me that it’s finally Tuesday and I walk into class and you crush it! I came in with a smile and you give me an exasperated look like it’s too much effort to talk to me; can’t you at least pretend to be happy to see me? Am I not even considered a friend? How much of me do I have to give for you to give a little back? Disgust. That’s all I feel right now. Disgusted that you can’t even show to me the courtesies of a meager friendship. Disgusted at myself that I’m under your spell. Disgusted because I know youre no good for me. Disgusted that I give you the time of day. I don’t know what I expected.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HKR_OIoxmn4&feature=player_embedded

The last thing I want to do is hurt you…but it’s still on my list

I wake up. You’re the first thought on my mind. I sit in class. The subject doesn’t interest me and my mind wanders to you, I wonder what you are doing right now. Who is making you laugh? What troubles you? You. A plague, you consume my thoughts. Would it make a difference if I knew you were thinking of me? You. Every step seems meaningless without you. But not the ‘you’ I should be referring too. The only ‘you’ that can fill this void, but I stubbornly give this void to you in hopes that you will fill it, knowing you never can and never will. If I give up on you then what will my life be? What will I grasp on to, what distant thing will I hope for, what will keep me going? How far I’ve fallen from the true hope. That hope that should fill this void and sustain me. But I don’t know how now. Is it my pride? Humble me.

Sometimes Jerimiah 29:11 just doesn’t cut it.

http://librarianheygirl.tumblr.com/

not as funny but still great…its ryan gosling.

It is so simple. All a girl wants is to be loved by a boy and together they will be ”…completely, and perfectly, and incandescently happy.” And all a boy wants is…well what does a boy want?! I fall too fast and too hard head over heels in love. Why? And over someone whose character is a mystery to me? Is that just it? The mystery. I love to mourn, to chase the unsolvable mystery and remain forever the heartbroken girl…afraid to be loved (afraid of that which I want most). I know this is not healthy. I should not seek earthly things, I should not seek comfort, solace, and fulfillment in mortal things, things that waste away as I type, but my heart burns with hurt and the desire to find someone to love and love me back. According to MSN news I am committing one of the 8 dating mistakes (bemoaning being single) and the advice…date yourself to make yourself more interesting and to get out into the world to meet guys. I’m just tired of the chase, making this effort, I just want to be me for once, truly me without this constant yearning to change my relationship status on fb (which I will never do since I have “deactivated” my account as my first step into true adulthood).

What is your secret!!!? How do you have these MEANINGFUL conversations with guys all the time. Seriously, teach me sensai.

Ok, back to my shallow thoughts which seem to be the heart and soul of this blog.

As aforementioned, Tuesday I actually tried talking to a cute guy and totally got shot down in my mind. End of story, right? WRONG. Thursday morning, I went exercising with a friend (one who actually knows this guy) and we were sitting on the row machines when her friend (not the guy) comes up to say hi. I hate these situations, my friend didn’t introduce me to her friend so I just kinda sat there trying not to feel awkwardly ignored and separate myself from the conversation that they were excluding me from eventhough it was happening less than a foot away. I couldn’t get any more awkward when the cute guy (let’s call him…Bond, James Bond…because he reminds me of Daniel Craig, he has that rugged manly look) when Bond walks up to this little group to add to this boiling pot of awkward. When does that happen?!!! Not in real life! I should have looked him straight in the eye…a look that says “man up, and say something to me, I’ll give you one more chance” but instead I completely avoided eye contact, never looked up and just sat there on the rowing machine. Lame duck. In retrospect, I probably should have just gotten up and walked away to get a drink or something. At this point, I am steaming mad at James. But I still felt super awkward and embarrased. Later that night I went to pint night and had Christmas in my mouth so that made up for it.

Friday. I walk into the club, and WHO is at the front desk? Freakin Bond. Now I HAVE  to look at him and speak to him. I assume my most indifferent face and what I think is a cool, sarcastic smile. (I want to let him know I am not embarrased at all, like I never tried talking to him and it didn’t mean anything.) I get to the desk to hand him my key card and oooooooooo. He’s dressed in a collared shirt, slacks, and a belt. Oh the belt. Damn. I am such a softy for nicely dressed men. My iceburg of feelings melted instantly into a calm summer stream. Yikes, I think I have Ted Mosby syndrome. Anyways I resolve to be indifferent because there is no happy ending to this James Bond movie, no boat ride off into the sunset…